There are certain questions that mankind was simply not supposed to ask.

Why are we here?

What happens after we die?

Why does my phone charger only work when I bend it at a 47-degree angle?

And now, somehow, we have arrived at the most important question of all:

Could prime Joe Bartolozzi have beaten prime Usain Bolt in the 100-meter dash?

Before you laugh, remember who we're dealing with.

Joe is not some random guy who decided one morning that running looked pretty easy. He has an actual track background, having competed in high school, and his recent appearance in a streamer 100m race showed that he can, in fact, move at a speed greater than that of a shopping cart with one fucked-up wheel.

Unfortunately, that is where the good news ends.

Because standing on the other side of this hypothetical race is Usain Bolt.

You know, the guy who ran 100 meters in 9.58 seconds and casually turned the world-record books into his personal scrapbook.

So let's break this down scientifically.

ROUND ONE: THE START

The gun goes off.

Bolt explodes out of the blocks.

Joe also explodes.

Unfortunately, Joe's explosion is less "Olympic acceleration" and more "I just remembered I left the oven on."

Bolt is already moving like somebody attached a rocket to his spine.

Joe is digging deep.

The crowd is screaming.

Somebody in the audience has already started yelling, "JOE LOCK IN."

Joe locks in.

Bolt is now approximately 14 business days ahead of him.

ROUND TWO: THE MIDDLE

This is where things get interesting.

Joe's biggest advantage is that he has actual sprint experience. He isn't completely clueless when it comes to running, unlike approximately 94% of people who claim they could "probably go sub-12 if they trained."

And honestly?

Prime Joe would probably be pretty damn quick.

But Bolt wasn't merely "pretty damn quick."

Bolt was 9.58 seconds quick.

His world record from Berlin in 2009 remains the men's 100m world record, and he reached a level where the rest of the field basically looked like they were waiting for an Uber.

At the halfway point, Joe would probably still be giving it everything.

Bolt would probably be wondering if he left the stove on.

ROUND THREE: THE FINISH

This is where Joe's final weapon enters the equation:

Pure hatred of losing.

Joe sees the finish line.

He sees Bolt.

He sees the millions of people watching.

He hears somebody yell:

"JOE YOU'RE GETTING COOKED."

Something changes.

His pupils dilate.

His muscles activate.

His ancestors appear behind him.

Joe Bartolozzi has entered his final form.

He starts moving at approximately 600 miles per hour.

Unfortunately, Usain Bolt has already finished.

The officials are currently discussing whether Joe's finishing time should be recorded as a 100m result or classified as "eventually arrived."

BUT WHAT IF JOE WAS ACTUALLY IN HIS PRIME?

This is where the investigation becomes serious.

Joe's recent streamer race was hardly an Olympic-quality experiment. The timing was disputed, several competitors appeared to false-start, and the race was reportedly redone. Even online discussions pointed out that the displayed times weren't reliable.

So we can't simply look at one ridiculous stopwatch and declare Joe the fastest man alive.

However, if we take prime Joe, give him proper sprint training, proper blocks, proper timing, a clean track, and absolutely zero people running into his lane like they're escaping a burning building...

He could probably become seriously fast.

Could he beat Bolt?

No.

Could he make Bolt look over his shoulder?

Also no.

Could Joe make Bolt slightly uncomfortable?

Maybe.

Could Joe convince himself afterward that he would've won if the starting gun had been "better"?

Absolutely.

And frankly, that's what matters.

THE FINAL VERDICT

After extensive research, consultation with experts, several highly qualified people on Reddit, and absolutely no consultation with Joe Bartolozzi himself, we have reached our conclusion:

Prime Joe Bartolozzi would not beat Usain Bolt in the 100m.

Bolt's 9.58-second world record is in a completely different universe.

But I wouldn't completely count Joe out.

Because there is one thing Bolt never had to deal with during his legendary career:

Joe Bartolozzi being told he couldn't do something.

And if there's one thing we've learned from Joe, it's that telling him he can't do something is essentially the human equivalent of pouring gasoline onto a fire.

So, could Joe beat Usain Bolt?

No.

Would Joe still attempt it?

Yes.

Would Joe immediately demand a rematch after losing by approximately 17 meters?

Without question.

And would he spend the next three years explaining that the track was "weird"?

I rest my case.